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 Post subject: Joke of the Day thread
PostPosted: Thu Jun 22, 2006 4:25 pm 
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This is a thread for little jokes that are funny, but not significant enough to warrant their own thread.

I'll get started with something I saw at thedailywtf.com:

Q: Why was the computer programmer found starved to death in his shower?
A: Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
(I would also accept "A computer programmer wouldn't be found dead in a shower")

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 22, 2006 5:08 pm 
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Two nuns sitting on a park bench. Suddenly, a streaker comes flashing by and flashes his nads at them. The older one is so overcome and so shocked that she has a stroke...

The younger one couldn't reach.

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Last edited by Narsil on Thu Jun 22, 2006 5:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 22, 2006 7:08 pm 
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George Carlin - "There's something I like about the clitoris, but I can't quite put my finger on it."

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Dakarne: it's London.

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"They can shoot me dead, but the moral high ground is mine" - The Doctor


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 30, 2006 11:14 am 
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A little FORTRAN joke my computer spat up:

God is real, unless declared integer.

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 31, 2006 8:39 pm 
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2 Cannibals were eating a clown....one looks to the other and says. "Does this taste funny to you?"

Edit: spelling

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"Negative, I am a meat popsicle."
Corbin Dallas - The Fifth Element


Last edited by The Village Idiot on Tue Aug 01, 2006 6:42 am, edited 2 times in total.

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Aug 01, 2006 6:31 am 
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Cannibals. :wink:

Anyway, so a baby seal walks into a club...

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Storytime update 8/31: Frigidmagi might be amused by this one.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Aug 01, 2006 6:44 am 
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Why did the guy eat his baby?

He didn't know his wife was pregnant!

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"Sir, are you classified as human?"
"Negative, I am a meat popsicle."
Corbin Dallas - The Fifth Element


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Aug 01, 2006 7:50 am 
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A buddhist man walks up to a hot dog stand and then says, "Make me one with everything."

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Aug 02, 2006 1:21 pm 
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Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Aug 02, 2006 5:57 pm 
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Q:"How many perverts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"

A:"Only one, but it takes the entire ER to get it back out."

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[img=left]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v721/shark42bait/jokermcdonaldssigiite1.png[/img]"I reject your reality and substitute my own"
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"Rule 4: Blades don't need reloading."
-Zombie survival guide

"What is burning people but stabbing them with fire?"
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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 12:08 am 
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A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says "What is this, a joke?"

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can perpetrate that amount of carnage and mayhem and not incur a considerable amount of paperwork."
-Sgt Nicholas Angel, on Point Break

"You gotta look Death in the face and say, 'Whatever, man.'"
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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Aug 07, 2006 1:30 am 
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THINGS YOU DONT WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY.


1. "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."

2. "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."

3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

4. "Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"

5. "Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, then what's that?"

6. "Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."

7. "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."

8. "Oops!"

9. Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

10. "Damn, there go the lights again...."

11. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them."

12. "What do you mean you want a divorce?"

13. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

14. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.

15. What's this doing here?

16. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

17. That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

18. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

19. Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?

20. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature!

21. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

22. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

23. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

24. Darn! Page 147 of the manual is missing!

25. This part here is particularly tasty.

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"Negative, I am a meat popsicle."
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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Aug 14, 2006 7:12 pm 
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Referring to a program framework that handles various types of data:

>I wonder what their system does for dates?
They don't, because software engineers can't get any!

I lol'd.

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Aug 25, 2006 2:32 pm 
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"What does the word ignoramus mean?"

"La persona estudpida."

"...err, what?"

"NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH DEFINITION!"

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Aug 25, 2006 5:40 pm 
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Due to a paperwork snafu an Engineer is sent to hell. Upon arriving in hell he notices how hot and generally sucky it is. So he wanders up to the Devils and says

"Hey this heat? I can fix it."

The Devil replies

"Excuse me?"

To which the engineer repeats himself and the Devil shurgs and tell him to knock himself out, figuring in a week he'll get tired and wish he could die.

2 months later the Devil calls God for an update.

"Man it's great downhere, we got AC, an ice rink and even an ice cream machine for Sundays now!" The Devil said.

"What? How the fuck did that happen?" God asked.

"Man, we got an engineer down here and he's hooking up everything and fixing it up, this is like heaven now!"

"An engineer!?! You don't get engineers! Give him back!" God demanded.

"Hell no!" The Devil replies.

"I'll make you give him back!" God declares.

"How are you going do that? I got all the lawyers."

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Aug 25, 2006 11:55 pm 
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George W Bush has a heart attack and dies.
Obviously, he goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I'm not sure what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my
list, but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon
and a large pool of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" said George. "I don't think so, I'm not a good
swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair
with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented George.

The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill
Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Sep 08, 2006 4:16 pm 
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Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, ‘I slept with your mother!’
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
The first again yells, ‘I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!’
The other says: ‘Go home dad, you’re drunk.’

----------


A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen.”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: “That driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

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Last edited by Narsil on Fri Sep 08, 2006 4:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Sep 22, 2006 8:32 am 
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A physics joke I made up yesterday while doing homework:

An object is traveling in a circular path at a constant velocity...


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Sep 22, 2006 9:36 am 
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Something Awesome wrote:
An object is traveling in a circular path at a constant velocity...

thats funny sigged on sdn

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Sep 24, 2006 4:05 am 
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Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refrigerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."

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"A fortress circumvented ceases to be an obstacle.
A fortress destroyed ceases to be a threat.
Do not forget the difference."

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Sep 24, 2006 10:27 am 
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I've told that one so many times before, and it's funny every single time.

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[img=left]http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a116/Dakarne2k5/wtfcivilwar.jpg[/img]Dakarne: That's no moon...
Dakarne: it's London.

Thank god for Tennessee Harold Ford protecting us from nuclear vegemite. - Petrosjko
Major Reilly: Air Command
"They can shoot me dead, but the moral high ground is mine" - The Doctor


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Sep 25, 2006 3:17 pm 
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Blonde genies
What happens when you get blonde genies
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp
partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three
wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The
next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded
by 50 beautiful lovers. He makes love to all of them and begins to
explore the house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the
floor is covered in $100 bills.
Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are
two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to
the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck
until he's dead. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their
hoods; it's the two blonde genies.
One blonde genie says to the other one," I can understand the first
wish having all these beautiful lovers in a big mansion to make love to.
I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he
wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."

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shark42bait: you are evil...
shark42bait: i admire that in a woman....
I'm a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in an AWESOME rack!
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"if you want to get out of a speeding ticket short skirts and crying are still the way to go" Kairy on "mythbusters"

LimePink: "Um, Mr. President? I was doing a suduko puzzle, and based on the hidden co-ordinates in the grid, I think Osama Bin Laden is either here : points on map: or here :points to another spot within 5 miles:. Also, Jay-Z killed Tupac Shakur and the lost treasure of Atlantis actually turned to the glacier that sunk the Titanic."


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Sep 25, 2006 4:00 pm 
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So I was asked to provide two forms of ID at the college today to get me started on my new job and I (should have) said "young earth and old earth". (I didn't actually say that, but I think it would have been funny)

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Sep 30, 2006 6:16 pm 
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I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY
KIDS.........

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says,
"Do you Know me?"

To which she replies,
"I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

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shark42bait: you are evil...
shark42bait: i admire that in a woman....
I'm a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in an AWESOME rack!
Image
"if you want to get out of a speeding ticket short skirts and crying are still the way to go" Kairy on "mythbusters"

LimePink: "Um, Mr. President? I was doing a suduko puzzle, and based on the hidden co-ordinates in the grid, I think Osama Bin Laden is either here : points on map: or here :points to another spot within 5 miles:. Also, Jay-Z killed Tupac Shakur and the lost treasure of Atlantis actually turned to the glacier that sunk the Titanic."


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Oct 24, 2006 7:15 am 
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I found the end of the rainbow the other day. It lead into a decrepid, abandoned house in a bad part of Atlanta. The house is probably mostly used for certain types of dealing.

I think we've been misinterpreting what the "pot of gold" actually is.

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Storytime update 8/31: Frigidmagi might be amused by this one.


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